It’s incredible how much parenting is talked about, written about, and stressed over. I can see how parenting has undergone many shifts in the last 16 years (since the birth of our child) and the 20 years (while working with kids as a teacher and therapist). I hope some of these insights might help you understand your parenting and maybe make a shift that could benefit your family. When we take this time to understand our parenting and why we do what we do, we get a chance to understand ourselves more deeply. Happy exploring!
Labor Day was first celebrated on September 5th, 1882. The Fair Labor Standards Act came much later, in 1938. This act assures that when young people work, the work is safe (dol.gov). Less than a century ago, the main job of a parent was to keep their children's arms from being caught in machinery. When you think about this deeply, it is pretty profound. The psychologists who created the foundation of Positive Discipline (Dreikurs and Adler) worked around the turn of the century and understood families' plights. If we delve into the difference between sending a kid to a factory and sending a kid to school, we see our parenting approaches have to make massive shifts. I used to wrestle more with these shifts. When we parent from a democratic and positive stance, it’s not always pretty. Why can’t I get my child to “behave”? Why does she tantrum in public? Why does he talk back at home? Why can’t I control this kid? I think, "I would have never acted like this."” Why? In part because my parents came out of depression-era families and in part because I lived in an authoritarian culture. I also feared the punishment, which was sometimes a spanking!
This shift toward a more democratic way of seeing “family” is slow, and I think our generation has a real opportunity to change. While there are so many ways to redirect these unwanted behaviors, I think it’s more and more positive that we let children have their emotions. Let go of the control and let them be. This does not mean we let the limits go. There are rules, and we must show and teach children how to be a part of society. As our world has evolved, so has our focus on how to guide children through childhood. Of course, there are different ways of parenting, and your house is your home, yet I see this shift toward a more positive and disciplined approach to be just that...positive!
How does this relate to what you do right now? First, if you are already on the path toward a more democratic form of parenting and you feel under-supported in your peer group, you are not alone. I find this all the time. In our house, we aim not to punish or reward. We deal with misbehavior and treat it as “misguided behavior.” We look at the belief behind the behavior. See my linked resource of the “Mistaken Goal Chart.”
Sometimes, when our children misbehave, we may want to hurt back because we feel hurt, yet that is not the most skillful adult choice.
So what do we do? #1. We have a weekly family meeting (see the PDF you might have gotten for free if you signed up for my mailing list). It is also found here. Meetings for young kids only need to be about 10 minutes long and can happen in the car!
We have been doing this daily for 16 years, making a difference. The other parts of our family that seem to work are contributions (aka chores) and using positive statements. See my quick link on "curiosity statements" as well. See more guidelines for family meetings at this link. #2 We talk a LOT: What happened today? What were the highs and the lows? Oh, you seem pretty upset right now. Maybe we all need to have some time to relax. #3 We try not to schedule (for the most part). We respect that our kid needs a lot of downtime “just” to do Legos or art or zone out. I am inspired by blog posts and parents who also walk this path, like Rachel Macy Stafford, & Dr. Laura Markhman.
In short, I seek help on the Internet or with my friends. If you want to deepen your parenting goals, reach out. If you have a question for me, reach out. I would appreciate your support if you are inclined to pass this blog along to a friend. And lastly, something to say to ourselves from Rachel Macy Stafford:
“Be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can”.